The Nigerian Killed By His Penis
REUBEN ABATI
“Brother, how now? How was your weekend?”
“Basically, a weekend of shocks”
“What could possibly be shocking you? Life is for the living. Live it as it comes. Don’t take anything to heart.”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I tried to catch up on the news over the weekend, and some of the things I read were just unbelievable”
“Ha. What have we not seen? What have we not heard? Nothing shocks me anymore, be it in politics or human behaviour. It is a crazy world, and it will forever remain so apparently.”
“You can say that again. What can be crazier than the story of that Nigerian who went to Thailand to take penis enlargement injections, accompanied by his wife, one Daniella Simba Allen whom he married in 2022.”
“He is a British-Nigerian, Igho Tiny Ubiribo, a businessman and an influencer, and his wife is from Zimbabwe. This is why I am always very skeptical about allowing your child to grow up abroad, and to even marry a foreigner. Some of these foreign women can put their men under pressure, until the man ends up in the grave. Have you seen a picture of that Daniella? I can bet that she was created on a Sunday, the seventh day, while God rested, and so she is well-sculpted, perfectly made, so perfectly that any man will do the forbidden.”
“Nonsense. No woman is worth the risk of wilful suicide. And by the way, the. man is not a child. He was 43 years old. He took himself to the hospital. They gave him hyaluronic acid (40 millilitres of that) and lidocaine. Then he and his Daniella went for a massage, where he started complaining of chest pain, lost consciousness before dying of pulmonary embolism. He wasted his life”
“He wanted to please his wife. In fact, I hear some men now do operations to increase the size of their scrotums too to boost their self-esteem.”
“Those are very stupid men. The fact that you can afford to pay for stupidity does not mean you should invest in it. Your brother Igho spent about $9, 000 to get the injections, he didn’t even get a chance to test it.”
“He died in March. So why is anybody bringing up the matter now? But at least he got a glorious burial. He was buried in a gold coffin worth over $745,000.”
“The announcement of his death may have been delayed because of the Coroner’s Report which may have taken some time. He is dead. The wife is alive. The man left behind a $1.1 million home in Los Angeles, and a $600, 000 apartment in London. Now that he is gone, the wife will most likely sit on everything. And in less than a year, she may move on with another man, another victim, using the man’s wealth to get what she wants. People need to be educated that no man or woman should enlarge anything to please a partner. Accept yourself the way God has made you.”
“You are preaching because one man died trying to redesign his anatomy. Women do it too. They do boobs job, they upgrade their derriere from a Volkswagen range to a V-Boot or Landcruiser. Many do liposuction. They tuck in their tummies. They adjust either their lips or noses. Many of them die too when things go wrong. When a man decides to do a dick job, yes he may have been influenced by his partner, but there are women too who say they have done cosmetic surgery to please their husbands, or to keep a good shape. Cosmetic surgery is a big industry. The penis industry is at the centre of it.”
“God forbid bad thing. I rebuke it. This is why in Africa, in-laws often accuse women whose husbands die prematurely of witchcraft, and they drive them away from the deceased’s property.”
“It is not witchcraft. It is the way of the world. Sigmund Freud in his Essays on the Theory of Sexuality said sex is what is on a man’s mind, and that the body’s pleasure-seeking energy is concentrated in the libido. Some people, male or female, just get fixated at this point. Sexuality defines the individual’s inner world. This is also the central argument in a book titled “A Mind Of Its Own: A Cultural History of the Penis” by David Friedman where it is reported that among the Greeks for example, the penis was considered a measure of a man’s proximity to divine power. In contemporary times, the penis, also known as the phallus, is celebrated, annually, on every Sunday of the month of April in Kawasaki in Japan. It is called the Kanamara Matsuri.Festival. It is a major tourist attraction, big-sized penis as its main symbol. And why do you think the Viagra is a very popular aphrodisiac, and the Kama Sutra is one of the best-selling books on sexual positions in the world?”
“How come you seem to know so much about the role of the penis in evolutionary history? Let me tell you if you go and try any nonsense and you die in the process, I will not come anywhere near your funeral. What nonsense! You need to get closer to God.”
“I will like to recommend yet one more book to you. A History of the Penis…”
“Don’t bother. I am not interested. In fact, the Nigerian government should come up with a law banning the production and consumption of aphrodisiacs in Nigeria. They are focusing on sachet alcohol. They should also target all those small bottles of aphrodisiacs: Opa Eyin, Ginseng, Maca, Spanish Fly, Men Power, Kayan Mata, Wafekulaleyi, Burantashi, Ale, Kick and Start. The obsession with sexual performance in Nigeria is a threat to public health. Those things damage people’s organs. They are also responsible for the spread of rape in the country. An overcharged penis is bound to lose its mind.”
“I think the Lagos government is already addressing the matter of rape. Or what do they even call it. They say it is not rape. They are talking about Domestic and Sexual Violence as criminal conduct.”
“That is very good. But what I don’t quite understand is the Lagos State Government saying that any man that forces sex on his wife will be sent to jail for life. Life imprisonment. I just want them to ban the use of dangerous drugs by men who are seeking divine power or what did you call it? Life imprisonment for husbands will not work. For what? I am not surprised that even the wives and women in Lagos are also saying they don’t want that kind of law. I can bet that no married woman will report that kind of case except the marriage has already collapsed completely. No police station will attend to such a report. A husband raping his wife, because of no consent? Some of these men will just turn their attention to other women. The state should not cause problems in people’s homes. Love should be the foundation of marriage, not government proposing a law that is bound to be dead on arrival.”
“I think they are serious about it.”
“And I say they are serious over nothing. What God has put together, let no man put asunder. They should encourage men to love their wives, and wives to respect their husbands. That is what the Bible tells us in the Book of Ephesians. Husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it… (Ephesians 5: 25). Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. (Ephesians 5: 22).
“When a wife asks her husband to get penis enlargement injections, is that also love?”
“You are trying to twist what I said. But let me give you a recent example of love that I have in mind. Christian love. Take Professor Yemi Osinbajo, the former Vice President of Nigeria. He recently disclosed that when his wife stopped taking carbonated drinks years ago and switched to freshly squeezed orange juice daily, she started having serious headaches, and when they went for tests, they discovered that the juice she was taking was not well preserved. He was talking about food preservation, and avoiding food that is not fit for human consumption. He raised the point about how farmers and retailers use chemicals like calcium carbide and rat poison to preserve food.”
“But that has nothing to do with love. He was talking about public health, and the need to protect the people from themselves and the harm that surrounds them. He was speaking as a statesman defending the public interest.”
“His example proves my point about love. If he wasn’t paying attention to his wife’s health, he would not have been in a position to trace her strange headaches to the fresh juice that she switched to. Some men are so absent-minded, so distracted, they don’t know what goes on in their own homes. They are busy looking for sexual enhancement opportunities as a way to express love. Marital happiness deserves a better definition.”
“Life is a matter of perspective. You are here quoting the Bible. Are you aware that one politician in the North has told women that if any of their husbands prevents them from voting for the ruling APC in the 2027 election, or he divorces them, they should leave such a man, he would pay their bride price and marry them. You are here saying what God has joined together. Do you know that some women could take the man seriously, vote for the APC, and leave their husbands?”
“That is the Yobe State APC Chairman. And that would be a woman who has been looking for an opportunity to leave her husband. But the man has since apologized, after his comment drew widespread protest and outrage. He said he was joking. But his joke says something far more serious about the crisis of kakistocracy in Nigeria. Many of our politicians do not know what to say, how to say it, and when they have vomited strange things, they would claim that they were quoted out of context, or that the report of their misconduct was AI-generated. The truth is that they do not know any better. Five months to the election, many of the politicians pretending to be campaigning have been busy issuing threats.”
“Some of the parties do not even have any manifesto. They want to win elective positions, but they have no idea what exactly what they want to do. Our democracy remains at the level of an experiment.”
“In Ebonyi, the state Governor, Francis Nwifuru openly threatened elected local council Chairmen. He told them that if the APC should lose in any of the local council areas, the Chairman purportedly elected by the people, will be removed. We will remove you from office if the APC loses in your area, he said. One of the newly inaugurated Chairmen took the threat so seriously, he too went to his Local Government Area, Ohaukwu LGA, and warned opposition politicians to stay away from the LGA, otherwise the person or persons will be treated as an enemy. How then can we have free, fair and credible elections if the politicians are full of so much bile? We really need an Electoral Offences Commission to deal with electoral offenders.”
“You are the one preaching love. There is no love anywhere in this country. Have you not heard Donald Duke, former Governor of Cross River State and the Presidential candidate of the PRP saying that politicians do human sacrifice to help them elongate the size of their votes? Nigerians are desperate about whatever would give them an advantage. That is the way we are.”
“The biggest shock I had during the weekend, was a statement attributed to veteran actor Chief Pete Edochie saying no man should allow his wife to be the one that would feed him, and that should any man find himself in that situation, he should just commit suicide. He said kpai, otherwise, the man should be prepared to take insults.”
“Pa Edochie is a veteran husband. He has been in the business for 57 years. He is an African elder. He knows that the man should be the head of the House. He is old school.”
“But the times have changed. We should always preach love because love conquers all. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. It does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. I Corinthians 13: 4 -8”
“Pa Pete Edochie was not speaking about the Corinthians, please. He is an African realist.”
“But what the elder does not know is that most of the boys of today are actually looking for wives that will feed them. An emerging generation of lazy husbands, adult boys. They are all over. Their wives work and maintain the home. Every day, their wives go out to find fortune for the family, these boys sit at home, playing with toys. There has been a reversal of everything and every value that our elders once held dear.”
“Sad”
“Shocking.”